Wise cracks

Some illuminating and ever so slightly cynical 'definitions' of the pressurised world of construction and the people and practices involved, have recently come to our attention.

Not surprisingly, the financial boys are the butt of many of the jokes but the list starts with the role of the subcontractor - he is 'the gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.' The tender sum though is defined as 'a wild guess carried out to two decimal places', while the successful tenderer is described as 'a contractor who is wondering what he left out'.

The management contract is 'the technique for losing your shirt under perfect control', and the architect's estimate is defined as 'the cost of construction in heaven'. The completion date is 'the point which liquidated damages begin', and liquidated damages are 'a penalty for failing to achieve the impossible'.

Finally, everybody's favourite, the quantity surveyors are described as 'the people who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded', and the lawyers as 'the people who go in after the quantity surveyors and strip the bodies'.