Rant: AR Gibbs

A modest proposal for contractors: always amend standard forms of contract to shovel the risk to those least able to manage it. Don't worry about the JCT suite of forms, they are your toys. When you amend a JCT form remember to keep calling it a standard form. Make sure that you call all contracts partnering because you can't then be said to be screwing the subcontractor. Make him wait 60 days for payment - it rolls off the tongue so nicely.

You don't have to pay retention because the contract always included that as a loss anyway. Never go and see your lawyer before you encounter a problem. Always go to a high street lawyer and pay them to learn about construction. After all, divorce and harrassment are part of construction, aren't they?

If the lawyer doesn't give the advice you want to hear, it probably isn't advice anyway. After all, you have been in business for 30 years and know which way is up. Forget about the spirit of the Construction Act, as you'll get the utmost co-operation when the referring party pays your costs, his own costs and the adjudicator's costs. And when you get into an adjudication, make sure your lawyer does a knee-jerk jurisdictional challenge, and if not, fire them.

If you are a subcontractor under no circumstances read the specification or the contract. Yeah, have a look at the drawings, but don't make any notes, don't write any letters because you are builders not scribes. What are fag packets for anyway? In pre-contract meetings don't bother to challenge unfair clauses because the contractor said he won't operate them against you. And make sure that your programmes will exhaust your operatives. After all, they only work till 4pm anyway.

When you make a claim, exaggerate this by about 100%, as you only ever get half of what you ask for. Make sure the sales department runs the show, as the contracts manager never takes any risks. You don't want to worry about risk, as turnover is everything whereas profit is a book figure only. Oh, and forget about training as well.